Partnership problems

A child comes - the togetherness goes. What happens next? Tips, advice and counseling for parents with small children

Text last updated: 23.08.2023

Suddenly parents - couples in crisis mode

In young families in particular, (almost) everything revolves around the offspring. Who gets up at night when the child cries? Who comforts them when their first teeth start to hurt? Who stays at home and looks after the sick child? Yes, being a parent and remaining a couple is a real challenge. It's not uncommon for partners to lose sight of each other between organizing children, household chores and jobs, even though they wanted children so much. Most people are familiar with the typical accusations: You're always tired! You never have time for me! You don't really listen to me! The good news is that such accusations don't have to turn into a serious relationship crisis! Persistent relationship work helps to make love last.

When being together means frustration - when do we talk about a crisis?

While still on a "honeymoon" - uand suddenly life with a child has to be organized - a completely new way of life that first has to settle in. Minor disagreements are completely normal and not an immediate cause for concern. However, if the arguments become more and more frequent, mindfulness is required.

It is always difficult to say when you are actually talking about a relationship crisis. Important: The crisis does not happen suddenly overnight, but builds up. Look out for typical signs. These can look very different. For example:

You are all too often annoyed when your partner suggests something. Your tone is increasingly irritable. There is a lack of appreciation in your conversations.
Your counterpart rejects all of your suggestions and comments in an unfriendly manner.
An argument gets out of hand. It's often no longer about finding good solutions, but about blaming each other.
Physical closeness and sexuality disappear from your relationship.
There are no more nice and relaxed times and outings together. Everyone seems to have the best time on their own or with others.
You find yourself talking badly and disparagingly about your former favorite person more and more often.

Do you recognize some of these signs from your relationship? Then you should take a closer look at what's actually going on.

What strains the relationship? Stumbling blocks for young parents

Most couples don't initially understand that their relationship has gone awry. You may ask yourself: Why do we suddenly no longer understand each other? We were so looking forward to having a child!

Often different things come together because life simply changes completely when you have children. Very few couples are really prepared for parenthood. And every relationship is different. What applies to one couple does not necessarily apply to the next. Nevertheless, you may find yourself in some of the explanations:

There is not enough time together as a couple - self-care too.

So many things that used to make up life together suddenly no longer work: whether it's just going for a nightcap around the corner and meeting a few friends. Or a spontaneous get-together for a game night. Or a round of dancing in the club, or, or, or... . The list goes on and on. Everything that used to be possible spontaneously without a child, depending on your mood and time, now requires planning: Can the child come along? If not, who will look after them, who can go? Can we do anything together at all? It is not uncommon for one parent or both partners to become dissatisfied.

Lack of sleep and constant exhaustion.

Childcare is exhausting, 24 hours a day. The days are filled with many duties such as organizing work, taking the child to childcare, picking them up, looking after them, cooking, cleaning and shopping. What's more, nights are short and the lack of sleep saps more and more energy. It's easy for your own needs to fall by the wayside. As parents become increasingly exhausted, their strength and willingness to engage with their partner and maintain a dialog usually dwindles.

Everything revolves around the child.

Mothers of small children are often under great emotional, physical and time demands. Those who find little support from their partner and family environment feel increasingly overwhelmed. The remaining energy is then usually focused solely on the children. The other parent feels massively neglected. This situation puts a strain on the relationship, especially if the parents cannot find a way to communicate about their feelings and needs.

The changed distribution of roles.

Everything is fine until the birth. Women and men are well educated and have both feet on the career ladder. However, the situation often changes when they have children. Although most women today want a fulfilling professional life plus family, the reality is often different: Mothers put their careers on hold or work part-time. Fathers may increase their workload in order to make up for financial shortfalls and finance their accustomed standard of living. In the long term, this results in an imbalance in the relationship.

Less money.

Finances can also be a stressful issue. Parental allowance is available for a certain period of time. But this is less than a full salary, and then there are the costs for the child and the current increases in energy and living costs. Who has how much money now? How will the household costs be divided fairly? How will parental leave be compensated? One parent quickly feels dependent in an unpleasant way. Meanwhile, the other parent feels like they have to bear the brunt of everything.

Tips for saving the relationship

Accepting the situation is often the first step out of a relationship slump. Acknowledging that life is not running smoothly and looking at your own situation with understanding can be very helpful. This advice can help:

Don't get stuck in arguments and frustration, but have the courage to take steps back towards a common "we".
Try to get back into the conversation. How are you feeling right now? Share your thoughts and listen to how the other person is feeling. Try not to be judgmental or immediately give tips on how to improve. At first, just let them tell you. The solutions will come later.
Try to understand the other person's needs and acknowledge them as such, even if they don't necessarily correspond to your wishes. Negotiating and reconciling the different needs is only the next step.

Give yourself the gift of time together as a couple. Friends and relatives can also be included here. And plan family time together. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate: a playtime with everyone or a walk through a nearby park, a picnic in the playground or cuddling together while reading aloud ...
Just touch each other again. Take each other in your arms.
Attention: make each other aware of how much you do well and what you have already built up together.

If you realize you can't do it on your own, don't shy away from going to a counselling centre. You shouldn't wait too long to do this!

Getting back into the conversation - a few useful tips

The atmosphere often improves noticeably when couples manage to get back into conversation. Suddenly you see the other person in a friendlier light again. This can lead to joint solutions on how to tackle difficulties. You can find tips and rules that can help you to prevent the conversation from failing right away under Tips to download. You can also read the article Fair partnership here on the Familienportal.NRW.

Where can we find help and advice?

There are many support and advice services for families in North Rhine-Westphalia. The Familienlotse of the Familienportal.NRW makes it easier to search and find your way around. It helps you to quickly and easily find the right offer for you near your place of residence.

You can also find information and addresses of free advice centers in North Rhine-Westphalia for families in difficult situations on this page of the Ministry of Family Affairs of North Rhine-Westphalia: https://www.mkjfgfi.nrw/familienberatung-hilft-familien-schwierigen-lagen

The churches offer a wide range of advice for couples with difficulties. If you go to the respective church website online, you will get an overview of the counseling services and counseling centers in your area.

Evangelical Church (Diakonie) at https://www.ekir.de/beratung-nrw/
Catholic Church (Caritas) at https://www.caritas.de/hilfeundberatung/ratgeber/familie/ueberforderteeltern/ehe--familien-und-lebensberatung

pro familia also offers psychological counseling on topics related to relationships and sexuality. You can get advice anonymously online or in person. Find out more at https://www.profamilia.de/angebote-vor-ort/nordrhein-westfalen.

Sometimes a professional view from the outside helps. In this case, couples therapy can be a good solution. However, this usually involves high costs and it can take a long time to get an appointment. You can find therapists on the Internet under the keyword "couples therapy". Enter your city or region in the search engine. It is best to ask the chosen practice in advance what costs are associated with a consultation.

There are also a large number of psychological advice books on the subject of saving your relationship. Both local bookshops and the internet offer a large selection.

Mastering conflict and separation: The online platform for the pilot project "STARK" offers everyday help, advice and conflict resolution. Experts give parents tips on all aspects of relationship crises, separation and divorce.

The "Starke Eltern - Starke Kinder" (Strong Parents - Strong Children) parenting courses run by the Kinderschutzbund can help mothers and fathers in challenging times to find solution strategies for conflicts and problems in the family. You can find more information at

The most important thing in a relationship is to stay in dialog. These tips and rules for conducting conversations can help you communicate well with each other.

Podcasts On the topic

The relationship podcast with Lisa Ortgies. The presenter talks to people about love, sexuality and their relationships. About how a relationship can go well or better. But also about affairs, couple crises and sometimes break-ups.